Thursday, June 23, 2005

Calling all missionary stories

A lot of people don't like mission stories. Members have heard too many already and non-members don't really understand them. This is frustrating to returned missionaries because all our best stories are from the mission. Also, not a day goes by that something doesn't remind you of something that happened on the mission.

My wife Maude is long-suffering. She'll never say anything but I can actually see her eyes glaze over as soon as I utter the words, "this one time, in Argentina..." She probably has a pretty skewed view of Mormons, since most of stories she's heard about them are terrible.

Mission stories generally fall into three categories.
1) Stupid things that missionaries do. I'd wager this is probably the largest category (you can draw your own conclusions as to why).
2) Crazy/weird people encountered in the mission field.
3) Spiritual experiences. This is probably the smallest group.

Well, I am here to provide a safe haven for all your pent-up tales. I love mission stories. Even those in category 3. Maybe because I am "less active" (happy, Steve FSF?) I haven't heard very many. Maybe this will count as your virtual Home Teaching visit.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was on a travel (visiting a younger missionary in the district) and we went to the church building to "pass off" one of his discussions. When we got to the church, there were flowers everywhere. I mentioned to the Elder that there must be a wedding going on. We did our business and started out. As we did, there was a mature (in age) gentleman, (probably between the ages of 55 and 65) who walked into the church. I had seen him numerous times before, and he was an outspoken man who was boisterous every time he opened his mouth. So when we stopped him and asked why all the flowers, I wasn't surprised when he boistrously said, "I'm marrying my wife today!" To that, I said, "Congratualations". I looked over at my companion and his face was white with horror. I didn't understand why. Then the man said, somewhat taken aback - "Wow, that's not what you usually hear when somebody died!"

To my dismay, I honestly thought I heard "married", when he actually said "burried". I think I apologized (my mind was not thinking correctly at this time, I don't really know if I said anything or just hung my head in embarssment) and went out.

Ever since it has been a good story to tell when somebody asks, "what's your most embarassing moment."


Hope that was what you were looking for.

Anonymous said...

Our Zone did a blitz at an apartment building that housed numerous Chinese people (I went on a chinese speaking mission in Toronto) and we split up companionships and I went with two of the newest elders. One of them was a punk (at the time, he ended up growing up out of the punk stage and got serious about missionarary work), and always was a loud mouth about anything and everything. The other was a shy, but prided young man. We started knocking on doors and eventually a group of chinese people let us in. As is the customer with chinese people, we were asked to take off our shoes. We obliged, we started to have a good discussion, in the middle of the discussion, the shy missionary used the bathroom and came back and finished the discussion. As we started to put our shoes back on, I sniffed something awful. I smelled my shoes to see if my feet were stinking (I had a problem when I was younger with stinky feet, but had since rid myself of that problem), and outloud I said, man, my feet must be stinking again, what's up with that?! We walked out and into the elevator, and as we started down, the punk said something like, "wow, if thats your feet, you stink"! At that moment, the shy one quietly said, "that's not his shoes, I pooped my pants." Oh the laughter that came from the punk was enough for me to catch on. Yet, I understood the seriousness of the situation. He was about to go infront of a group of about 12 of his peers and this could hurt any mans pride. Of course, as the doors opened, there were the other missionaries and the punk loudly stated, "Hey guys, Pang (the shy elders chinese name) just pooped his pants! If that wasn't embarssing enough for him, he had a subway ride and a bus ride in packed quarters back to the apartment. It was funny to watch people look at him and move away. He seemed to have all the space he wanted!

NFlanders said...

These are all great.

John, your story reminds me of one of my first discussions in Argentina. The old version of the first discussion contains the line, "Joseph Smith is one of the most powerful witnesses of Jesus Christ." In Spanish, witness is "testigo," which is close but not that close to "testiculo." Of course, we would always joke around about it, until I was teaching a discussion and it slipped out. Fortunately, I don't think the family could even understand me. At any rate, they didn't even bat an eye.

Anonymous said...

These are great. Rusty, I had a companion like that too. Imagine, a 20 year old man who didn't know the pull my finger trick!

NFlanders said...

Thanks, Oscar. I figured the page needs a little color on it (besides green).

I guess your story falls firmly in the first category. It boggles the mind, sometimes, to think that these teenagers are the Church's representatives.

I remember one Elder that I replaced in an area was not too bright. In my mission, it was a tradition to burn an article of clothing to commemorate the 6-, 12-, and 18-month mark (or bump-, hump-, and slump-days). This was a third floor apartment above a pool hall and a pizza parlor. It had a balcony in front, but no window in the bathroom in the back.

Anyway, this Elder lit a dress shirt on fire in the bathroom, belatedly noticed that the place was filling up with smoke, and so ran through the entire apartment with a flaming shirt, and threw it off the balcony. I should mention that the apartment was facing the town square, so it was not a quiet street. Parts of the shirt came to rest on the electrical wires and started to burn. The rest of the shirt ended up in front of the busy pizza parlor on the street level. The proprietor, to say the least, was not amused. The apartment, not just the bathroom, was filled up with smoke. When his companion asked why he had lit a shirt on fire in the bathroom, the Elder said it was his bump-day, and he wanted to burn something.

NFlanders said...

Now, don't make me separate you two.

Anonymous said...

Since N Miller got started on the potty humor here is another.

I'm a new trainer and my greenie decides to go on a juice fast for a couple days (more for health benefits than spiritual modivations). I opt to stick with my normal pathetic missionary diet. My companion begins consuming large amounts of juice and water to begin his "cleanse". Next morning we hop on our bikes and get a mile away from our apartment when I hear, "Elder, I need to find a bathroom fast." Quick look around and no public restrooms could be found. We locate a secluded alley but alas it is too late. Relief came too soon.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of peeing- I had a quart of orange juice one morning prior to tranfers, and I was in the van on the way to Phoenix from the indian reservation, and just couldn't take it anymore, so I begged the driver to pull over so I could pee. But, there is nary a tree or bush on the reservation, so despite all my efforts, I just couldn't let go. I had to get back into the van still in pain, until they passed a building, where I ran behind to releive myself. True story.

Anonymous said...

What are the odds. My companion and I were in east Phoenix... Well it's Arizona there is A LOT of liquid consumption going on.

NFlanders said...

Speaking of bathroom stories, I had a companion who swore that every missionary would "have an accident" at least once in his mission. Fortunately, I escaped the mission unscathed.

I do have a pretty horrendous food poisoning story. I was living in a one-bedroom apartment. The ZL and his comp got the bedroom so my comp and I slept in the hallway on a bunk bed. I didn't feel very good going to bed that night, so I laid on my stomach in case I threw up in my sleep. Sure enough, at about 2 in the morning, I woke up when I started to throw up. As I was on the top bunk, I didn't have any choice but to lean over the side of the bed and let it fall on the floor.

I jumped down to run to the bathroom when I started to have a rather sudden urge at the other end strike me. I threw up again on the way to the bathroom and I finally made it to the toilet, which by now, I needed for my other problem. I then threw up for a third time on the bathroom floor.

As I was trying to recover from all of this sudden weight loss, I heard my companion cleaning up my vomit in the hall. I have to say that that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

NFlanders said...

Oh, Rusty, that is some nasty stuff. I am glad I didn't go to Guat, where you need a word for that.

Anonymous said...

I love how this thread turned into a bunch of potty/poop stories.

One of the funniest things I've ever read online was at a web forum where someone asked "When's the last time you pooped your pants?" You wouldn't believe some of the stories grown men were telling...admitting.

But sorry, I never served a mission.

NFlanders said...

I think all threads, if continued indefinitely, will eventually turn into a series of poop stories. Besides, why should FMH get all the fun?